What's your best parenting advice?

I had dinner with a good friend last night (in between rehearsals for the Des Moines Symphony's New Year's Eve concert).  She and I parent similarly, so it's always nice to compare notes.  She mentioned that people sometimes ask her, "What's your one best piece of parenting advice?"  It's hard to sum up your parenting style in a sentence or two! 

That got me thinking - how would I answer that question? We subscribe to the principles of attachment parenting, about which many whole books have been written.  How would I sum it up in one piece of advice?  Really came to me pretty quickly, because I think about parenting a lot.  I consider myself to be a professional mom.  Parenting is a job to study for, and to keep learning new things to keep your skills sharp, just like any other profession.  So here it is - the guideline I use in my own daily parenting: 

Treat your kids with respect. 

Of course that's not simple or easy.  First, you have to have lots of practice treating other people - friends, family members, colleagues, the mail carrier, etc. - with respect.  Because treating kids respectfully when their needs and emotions get ahead of their ability to express themselves, gets tricky. 

Treating kids with respect isn't the same as giving them whatever they want.  It means their wants and needs get consideration, and if they can't be met, that's explained respectfully, along with alternatives, or an explanation of what else would need to happen before that need can be met.  When they do something unacceptable (i.e. hit a sibling), I still try to treat them with respect, saying firmly that we don't treat each other that way in this family, suggest other ways to deal with their frustration, then ask if they need to do something else to calm down or if they'd like to try again. 

Instead of only commenting on the behavior I don't want, I always try to emphasize the actions we DO want.  As in, "It's ok to be frustrated, but we don't hurt each other in this family.  You need to express your feelings in words, and if that doesn't help, you can ask a grown-up for help." 

It seems crazy how our society's idea of "correct parenting" currently seems to involve spending the first five years of a child's life teaching them they can't have what they want, aren't allowed to express strong emotions, and can't do what they want.  Then we spend a ton of resources in elementary and middle school on self-esteem programs - trying to teach kids to express what they're thinking, ask for what they want, and that they deserve to be treated with respect.  Crazy.  Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees a disconnect here!  How about just showing them respect from the very beginning??

The discussion could go on and on!  Comments?  Questions?  What would your "one piece of best" parenting advice be? 

A Busy Mom's New Year's Resolutions

Mothering two happy and active preschoolers, running a business, playing in a part-time symphony orchestra, trying to keep a home from being over-run with precious preschool art work and junk mail, not to mention dirty dishes and laundry...  Well, it just doesn't leave much time for the "get my body back in shape" and "save the world" New Year's Resolutions.  So for the last two years, I've kept it simple.  ONE resolution per year. 

New Year's Resolution 2008:  Reduce library fines.

It went very well!  I just had to devote a little time to reading those auto-emails from the library, and either renew things online or put them in the library bag by the door to get returned.  Hooray!  Of course, I've always felt like the fines I paid to the library were a "willing contribution" to the civic welfare.  But a little civic responsibility for getting things back on time isn't a bad thing either. :-) 

New Year's Resolution 2009:  Put the Play-Doh away when we're done. 

Believe it or not, this one was harder.  When I remind the kids, they're usually pretty good at putting it away.  But sometimes they're in the playroom and I don't keep track of exactly which activity they're doing, so if it's time for lunch, or errands, or gymnastics, we move on and the play-doh gets left out.  We've done better toward the end of the year.  It could be because they're getting older, or because the playroom is less cluttered. 

Speaking of clutter, I did some good decluttering this year, based on tips from It's All Too Much by Peter Walsh.  We do ok at keeping toys, books, kitchen tools, and clothes under control.  But what gets out of control is...

New Year's Resolution 2010:  Conquer those little piles of paper. 

Yes, I know.  This one is a lot more ambitious than the last two years!!  But it has the potential to improve our health (dust), mental well-being, financial well-being, and capacity for family fun.  So it's going to be worth it.  Any tips?  What's your Busy Mom New Year's Resolution?